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I’ve been reflecting lately on all of the things I’ve learned in all my self-help studies over the years.  A psychology professor of mine back in college used to say that some times you could tell who the people who had problems were because they were “should”ers.  They’d “should” all over themselves. They’d tell themselves “I should do this” or “I should be more of that” or “I shouldn’t be this.”  These are the people who make themselves crazy passing judgement on themselves and the world around them, wishing things were somehow different.

There’s another saying a guy I know uses.  He’s one of the happiest, most smiling, most laid back and successful guys I know.  His phrase is, “It is what it is.”

Think about that.  The true cause of suffering is not being able to accept things as they really are.  Instead, we struggle against the current, wishing that things were another way and blaming them for not being the way we want them to.

I read an interesting book on Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy called Three Minute Therapy: Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life.  The one problem I have with this kind of therapy is that they debate with clients, trying to get them to change their emotional thinking through rational debate and repeating to themselves the rational truth of a situation.  It works, but not well and it takes a lot of repetition.  There are some real nuggets in here however.  My favorite bit is that these “should”s take 3 forms:

• Demands on oneself
• Demands on other people
• Demands on the situation (or on the Universe)

Think about it.  How often do we place demands on ourselves that we can’t seem to meet but feel we should?  The predictable result tends to be shame, guilt, and self-loathing.  What about those other people who should recognize or respect or appreciate or love us but don’t?  That’s a great recipe for anger, don’t you think?  And then when dumb luck tends to dump on us circumstances that we shouldn’t have to deal with after all the other crap we already have to deal with… Despair or powerlessness, anyone?

Now, it’s perfectly okay to want something.  It’s not only natural to have desires, but they add spice to life.  The trick, however, is that when you absolutely have to have something or absolutely can’t deal with something, usually based on the idea that you should or shouldn’t be, do, or have something, then you’re emotionally attached to something and it controls you.

If you want to start taking control of your life, reaching goals, or finding more happiness, first you need to take an honest look at the kinds of things you tell yourself should be true about yourself, other people, and the world. If you can let go of the emotional attachment that causes that “should” (that’s my specialty, in case you haven’t noticed ) then you’ll actually be able to find peace of mind.

And that is how you can handle anything.

Photo credit: pinhed from morguefile.com

I might as well call you crazy.  If that’s true, however, everyone is crazy.  Thanks to the way that our brains work, no one is capable of seeing the world perfectly clearly.  This is a basic flaw that all human beings possess, so you need to be aware of it so you can recognize it when it crops up and work around it.

If you’ve read anything I’ve written on this site, you’ll notice I talk about the importance of emotions in the way we think.  Basically, emotions happen before we think and then drive our perceptions, how we think, and what we think about–not the other way around.  Emotions exist to get us moving quickly in response to a threat, while thinking, reasoning, logic, and planning exist for use to understand our world, learn from it, and create a plan to adapt better to it in the future.  Thinking doesn’t involve movement, however, so emotions take precedence just in case we really need to save our own skin in an emergency.

Emotions, though, really create meaning for us.  They tell us if something is good or bad, if we should seek it out or avoid it.  Emotions aren’t particularly smart.  They just are what they are, and when we have an emotion inappropriately attached to something (such as fear attached to public speaking or doubt attached to asking for what you want) not only do we have an external problem that manifests as a behavior (panic when put on stage or shyness and hesitation when asked to make a decision) but it also manifests in our thinking (thinking about how much people will laugh at you or think you look foolish when up on stage or telling yourself that you don’t know what you want.)

Because our emotions color our thinking, we can never be 100% clear and rational.  That’s okay.  It happens to everybody.

The thing, though, is that people aren’t all the same.  Different people have different beliefs about things that are driven by different emotions.  Where you might have some sort of emotional sticking point on one topic, someone else might not have your issue with that topic.  For instance, someone who’s very outgoing and good with people doesn’t have the fear and doubt that someone who’s more shy has.  Someone who’s good with technology doesn’t have the uncertainty and confusion that someone who’s not so good has.

With this in mind, realize that you have certain strengths that other people could use your perspective on, but more importantly you have certain limits where having feedback from someone else is important.  No one is exempt from having their own blinders on their own issues.  I’m not.  The people I learn 3D Mind with aren’t either.  In fact, I’ve never met anyone who really is perfect (and if you meet someone who tries to convince you otherwise you should be wary.)  I’ve met plenty of people who I’ve wanted to be perfect, but I always find out that the reason I want to believe in someone that much is usually because I don’t believe in myself.

With that being said, it’s easy to get caught up in your own problems, even if you’re as skilled as I am with a personal change tool.  The important thing to remember here is that you’re not perfect and sometimes what you really need is the perspective of someone else who doesn’t have your problem.  It’s easy to fool ourselves into thinking that we know what’s right, but one of the most important skills I’ve found when it comes to being able to change yourself or your beliefs is being willing to admit that you could be wrong and put aside your biases just long enough to actually consider another point of view.

If you can doubt your own sanity just enough to be willing to hear out someone that you trust about what they see going on, you might be surprised at what you can learn about yourself.

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There’s research that suggests that having too many options causes us to be more indecisive. A study found that when presented with 24 varieties of jam to sample for free at a grocery store, 60 percent of people passing by tried a sample while only 40 percent tried some jam when there were just 6 varieties. The interesting thing, though, is that only 3% of the people in the larger group bought jam, while 30% of people from the smaller group with the smaller selection actually ended up buying jam.  When given more choices, people more often than not choose to avoid choosing!

There’s more to this than our jam-buying habits, however.  There are so many instantly-gratifying distractions out there-movies, tv, and only millions of things on the internet-that it’s easy to procrastinate. That’s not the only thing that stops you, however. We also tend to have lots of things on our to-do list, and doing one thing means something else isn’t getting done.

When that list gets too big, the result is overwhelm and paralysis. You may want to kick yourself for not getting anything done, but sometimes the reality is that no one else would either. You have to take a look at your environment, physical and mental, and figure out how you’re sabotaging yourself. Sometimes the best remedy is to cut away not just the distractions, but the goals that end up becoming distractions as well.

The truth is that you can only juggle so many commitments at once. Some people may be able to handle more, but they’re not important. What can you handle right now? I say right now because you can’t use the excuse of being able to learn to handle more because you’d just be avoiding facing something you’ve probably been denying all along if any of this resonates with you so far…

You’re not all-powerful. You can’t do everything. You’re not perfect.

It’s okay. No one else is, either.

Some times when we have too many goals, as soon as we run into sticking points we turn toward another goal and leave the first one unfinished. This wouldn’t be so bad if we actually finished the second thing at least, but usually a third thing pops up.  Maybe that third thing goes unfinished when you go back to the first. The result is a lot of things that get started but very few that get finished.

So cut it out. If you have this problem, find only one or two things you can focus on and see them through to completion. If you’re not sure where to start, figure out what your priorities are first. If you have difficulty with that, get some help from someone else.

The goal here is to simplify, simplify, simplify, which research has shown to help with a jam.

P.S. Here’s the actual research article, courtesy of Columbia Business School.

Photo credit: Astronaut on the Moon by NASA Langley Research Center

Personal change isn’t just something I bring to my clients, its something I live for myself. I was just reflecting on how I wonder how my life would have been different if I’d never learned the skills I have. I’d probably still be shy, depressed, and alone… Or worse.

The thing, though, is that back then when I’d try to imagine how much better my life could be in the future, it seemed somehow both awe-inspiring and scary at the same time. In fact, even when I think of some of my bigger stretch goals now I still have a sense of both possibility and of trepidation. That’s the thing about change. It seems like such a huge deal at the time.

But that’s not what change is.

I can do things now, like start up a random conversation with a stranger, that I just take for granted but would have scared the crap out of me years ago. It’s just normal for me now, and that’s what the best personal change is: taking the thing that scares the crap out of you and making it… Just normal.

You don’t have to get pumped up and motivated and find your passion to make a big change in your life. You just have to make that change… Not seem so big.

When I was first learning 3D Mind, I tried it out on a few friends. One was a cute girl I’d known for years and I asked her what she’d change about herself. She told me she was always comparing herself to other girls in the gym and she never felt attractive enough. She was plenty attractive.

I ran her through the process in 10 minutes and asked her if she still felt the need to compare herself to others at the gym. She said no. The best part, though, was when I talked to her a month later and I asked her,

“So, do you worry about how you look when you’re at the gym?”

She looked at me like I was an idiot and said, “No. Why would I do that?” as if she had never felt that before.

That’s what real change is.  If you think about it, there are probably plenty of things that have changed for you over the years that you take for granted now. It may have taken a long time to get there, but that’s how you know you’ve changed: it’s just normal for you now.

Of course, keep in mind you don’t need years to get to that point. If you have the right tools you can skip right to making the intimidating change a normal, everyday way of being.

Leave a comment and share your thoughts.

Happy New year, everyone! I wish you well in the new year and your goals for 2012.

Also, I’m dis-continuing the free session offer. Quite a few people responded and I’ve got enough work to keep me busy for a couple weeks.

See you in 2012!