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Relationships are always a quirky topic to me. People have a tendency to project their insecurities onto others, and when it comes to finding that “special someone” it always gets blown WAY out of proportion. They say that you should become the kind of person you want to attract, but usually people try to attract the person that makes them feel like the person they want to be.
This is a big mistake.
I was reading a cute and insightful blog, “Grammology,” written by a grandmother about her perspective on things, and one of her posts was about her grandson and what he wants in a woman. He wanted her to not only be beautiful on the inside–not a bad desire, except that it’s a little vague–but he also wanted her to be beautiful on the outside. This is a pretty common perspective for guys. The rub, though, is that external beauty usually trumps internal beauty in the decision-making process when it’s listed as a factor.
Let me explain.
Relationships are all about how they make us feel. Different people want to feel different ways and find the people that make them feel such. The thing about people who put appearance as a priority is that it’s often more about how they feel about themselves.
Here is the basic thought process, whether they admit it to themselves or not, of someone who holds appearance as their most important quality: Dating a gorgeous, hot, knock-out is a visible sign that you’re successful, attractive, or in some way good enough to be with someone so obviously superior. Dating one who is ugly means there’s something wrong with you and you have to settle for the bottom of the barrel.
Why do they think this way? Because they obviously believe they’re a loser, unattractive, or just not good enough somehow. Dating the “ugly” one amplifies those feelings, while dating the “hot” one helps them to ignore those feelings. Although they can ignore that insecurity only temporarily, since it doesn’t take much to bring the insecurity back. The insecurity amplifies the perception of any cues that could be construed as the other person losing interest, even though they may also be harmless too. A simple glance or smile at someone else of the opposite sex could be construed as a desire to be unfaithful.
Yes, this is why some men (and some women too) are jealous and controlling jerks in the relationship. They are ridiculously insecure! This is also how affairs happen as the ego-boosting high of a new conquest helps them feel better about themselves too.
So here’s the thing about relationships. What I’ve noticed is that those who let their insecurities choose who they pick are the ones whose relationships fail most miserably. Insecurities lead to drama, which leads to hurt feelings and resentment, which leads to more drama. It’s a cycle, and the best way to get out of it is to never get in it in the first place.
There’s another rub, though. Ideas of “true love” and “the one for me” are also wrong. It’s the happy fantasy of someone who will always love you unconditionally, who will never hurt you, and for whom the relationship will always be about joy and never about work. No relationship is ever effortless or perfect, and seeking out the impossible is a sure way to set yourself up for disappointment, disillusionment, bitterness, resentment… and more drama.
The bottom line is this: if you really want to find the “right” person to be with, work on your own insecurities first so you’re driving yourself nuts with foolish ideas. Ask yourself what having the perfect significant other allows you to avoid feeling about yourself, recognize it, acknowledge it, and clean it out. You’ll be glad you did. When you can feel comfortable with yourself, then you might just find yourself meeting the right person naturally, instead of under false pretenses.
April 22nd, 2009 at 4:25 pm
Good words.