Let me show you something amazing...
I used to be a wallflower. I was the guy in high school who kept mostly to myself. I got a little better in college, but I was still pretty shy. Over the years, though, I’ve changed as I’ve used 3D Mind on my own insecurities.
The thing, though, is that you can’t just sit down and start clearing out limiting beliefs and one day wake up a superman. There’s a process to all things, and one of the things that has been a weak point for me for years is building relatioships with people. Lately, I’ve been reflecting on what I want out of other people and how to relate to them.
After all, the theoretical “Super Dave” could be some awesomely outgoing guy who’s the life of the party and is loved by all. Except that that is the complete opposite of the problem. If I didn’t feel deficient in the relationship area, then I wouldn’t need to feel like “Super Dave.” So there has to be another way.
Now, I’m not a big fan of bars. People don’t actually get any more intelligent or interesting to talk to when they’re drunk, and if I use alcohol as a crutch to loosen up, I’ll feel like a failure since I know better. It’s not the perfect place to talk to people–in fact it’s just downright a lousy place to do so. But I realize that I haven’t gotten out to meet people much at all late, so in the last month I decided to go out one night a week every week. Realistically, when it comes to solving a problem, ANYTHING you DO is better than sitting around and thinking about it, so I figured I’d see what happens.
As I said, it’s been a month, and I’ve figured out a few things at this point. Things about myself, really. I put so much importance on my perceived deficiency that I failed to see that the point of going out and meeting people and being social is simply to connect with other people, and the way to connect with people is to simply share experiences. That’s about it. No extra meaning necessary.
In fact, the extra meaning usually comes in as a response to our insecurities. For instance, I found that if I wasn’t the center of attention, or the conversation wasn’t about me, then I felt pathetic. This is a subtle one since the standard pattern for myself (and for anyone else who tends to be shy in social situations but doesn’t want to be) is to try to figure out how to be more outgoing, more interesting, and have more things to say. And then talking to people becomes an exercise in pressure. If it doesn’t have to be about me, though, then it’s easier to actually pay attention to other people. Then they can carry most of the weight of a conversation, and I can be lazy and still be entertained. :) I also lose that subtle nagging feeling to get away from people or retreat into my own head when I start to lose interest in a conversation.
Interesting how that works, eh?
The other neat thing is that I’m reminded again that one of the most important things you can do is push yourself. Just the other day I went out to lunch by myself to a place I know and had lunch at the bar because I’ve gone there enough times to know a couple of the bartenders there. Now, the thought that the ones I know might not be there during the day crossed my mind, and perhaps there isn’t a point to go if there’s someone I don’t know. I mean, if there’s a complete stranger there who doesn’t want to chat, then it might just be boring at best, awkward at worst.
But I went anyway because I choose to be the guy who goes out and chooses to sit at the bar while eating so that he can choose to have the opportunity to chat with someone while he eats if the opportunity presents itself. I choose to be sociable with the goal of being comfortably so instead of outrageously so.
And, yes, I did have a pleasant lunch and chatted with the bartender there who I had met only twice but never really talked to before. I consider my experience eating out better because of it because now I know one more bartender a little better and I’ve built more of a relationship with someone else.
Really, there are two important lessons here. One is that no problem is so huge or important that it needs to be solved with the perfect solution when simply taking a step is all you need. Second, a life where you don’t push yourself, where you’re stuck in your comfort zone, where you’re a wallflower confined by your insecurities, isn’t a life at all.
